Mom, I'm mad

I have really been fighting a bad funk lately-- you know they cyclic garbage that we all drag around with us. Most days I'm a champion or one heck of a stubborn Irish blooded Momma not willing to let things go into the regular trainwrecks or get boring (depends on which viewpoint looking from). I know all of us being really sick for the past two weeks has not aided in my non-funkafication either. I think sometimes as parents we become to clearly skilled at submerged living as a coping mechanism, when the sub surfaces to reality with all *feelings* waiting there for you, well-- the coping mechanism clearly isn't as clean & tidy as it appeared.

S-bear has recently acquired a major skill in telling me how he's feeling. He's said, "I'm so happy." the first time about 3 months ago. The look on his face & twinkle in his soft brown eyes & his accompanying bounding boy footsteps melted me from the inside out. The last couple weeks, when he's become upset & crying, he's said "Mom, I'm mad!" It's heartbreaking, because he is about the gentlest spirit in a person I've ever known. I'll tell him, "it's ok buddy... everybody gets mad sometimes." And, yes we're working through the pushing, hitting & defensive behavior that's not acceptable with anger either.

A couple days ago he got mad because I wouldn't let him go out into the rain to get his sand-impacted tractor to play with inside. He pitched a royal fit, went outside despite my verbal countdown warnings & came back in by my guiding hand, madder than a wet cat. Cake topper was that I sat him in the timeout chair & said, "when Momma says 'no' you must listen". This has been an important lesson to drill lately because of his determination to go outside alone & unintended. He is so softhearted, he just wailed & buried his head in his hands crying. "Moooommmmmmyyyyy, I'm MAD!," he'd blubber through a drippy nose & tears. Me: "I know you're mad, but you WILL listen. Momma said NO." Then he cried louder-- Daaaaaaaaaaadddddyy!" Now that's awesome, because he knew I wasn't giving in & sought out the next best comfort person. Again, another first expression-- beautiful & REAL.

Poor baby... he's killing me, thank God I have the stubborn gene courtesy of my father or I would cave. 5 minutes passed & he was quiet. I checked on him in the laundry room (the next room over) & said "You can come out now if you are ready to listen." He gave me his rooster non-approval crow & jetted into the family room. It wasn't 5 minutes later he came up to me & grabbed around my legs saying "Mommy, hug?" I picked him up, & gave him a big love squish & he said, "ok, feel better". Priceless.

Anyhow, upon reflecting on this scene today, it occured to me how significant it is that we truly FEEL our feelings & not just push them aside always. Not that we have to run around like emotional pirates, but we all need to find a place to give ourselves the respect to acknowledge how it is that we're feeling. Everyone must have a safe place to do this & I think it involves more than just acknowledging emotion, yet never letting it cross your lips or write it out. I'm reminded that this is equally important communication to our Lord. We know HE is all knowing & loves us unconditionally, but we seem to miss out that He designed us to NEED HIM. He wants to know what's on our hearts-- directly from us. Yet as mortals in this fallen garden, we seek independence from all, even our Maker. As a parent seeing S-bear so angry is hard (just as I know it is for God seeing His children suffer), yet it's relevant to our World & as parents we must nuture our children's learning even through the hard stuff.  Autism has left S-bear innocent to the societal stigma attached to bearing one's emotions. Hmmm, epiphany. Who can truly say these children were not sent to teach all?

On a sidenote-- DAMN I'M MAD!

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