Tonight after putting all the kids to bed & feeling so tired I wonder how I can find the energy to read through all binders, revisit the tasks to-do list, do another couple loads of laundry, pack bags for the morning & find some time for my spouse. I'm brought to what is it that fuels my tank, which seems really empty tonight. Hmmm... what makes me want to get up & do it all again?
I think it is the hope I find in the little things. Watching my son tonight get so excited about the details of one of his animal programs, I thought-- wow, I need to take time enjoy the beauty God crafts into our day in this seemingly imperfect world, like my son does. Even when I remind myself to slow down & breathe, I often have the digital task list running in my mind's eye so much that I have trouble focusing & miss the good stuff.
The irony of this when I think about it, is the analogy of myself in that fogged/hyper-multitasked state, having a hard time keeping it all together-- is parallel to the struggles my children have in their Autistic bodies. They are easily overwhelmed by too much stimuli (me), have difficulty with transitions (me also - when dealing with multiple kids having diff. with transitions), inability to attend/focus (ummm, yup- me again), etc, etc. BUT- they have this uncanning ability, gift rather, to stop & get lost in the good details. Stopping to smell the roses if you will. That's where my so-called neurotypical mind drops off the canyon most days.
For Bella, it may be catching a glimpse of her new hat in the mirror & delighting in her reflection. S-bear's intrigue in making his animals take on human roles gets him rolling. Roo can find amazement in just figuring things out & giving a 15 minute dissertation on why when someone doesn't follow the rules they are not responsible. And SJ can giggle & get all warm & fuzzy with the feel from her favorite blanky, as she pitter pats her chunky baby feet down the hall flapping her extended arms, saying "f-why... f-why (for fly...fly, like a butterfly)".
I'm thankful for my kids successes (& that God slaps me upside the head with now & again to gain my attention) that reel me back into "OH WOW-- THAT WAS AWESOME!" Tonight it was Bella telling me, "Mom, look..." with a finger point to a scatter of cards (a first ever-- thank you Jesus!). Not only did she joint reference me by her eye gaze, but she directed me to look somewhere with a gesture. Nothing short of a miracle, when I think of it. She is nearly 6.5 & yes, most 1.5 yr olds pull that off-- well, I'm here to say *it was worth the wait*. Just over 2 years ago, she wasn't responding to her name any longer. I'm witnessing miracles daily through my children in ways that most will never understand, or maybe even care to. That's ok though, because I'm just damn glad to be witnessing them myself. They are little nuggets of gold from these uniquely crafted little people who rule my world. Just think what we'd all be capable of if only our zest for life was in the details rather than the big chunks... ahhh, the happiness.
Good night all. I'm going to sleep soundly.