Great Expectations

Here we are in November already. Time is a constant whir. Sometimes when there is a pause I have to remember to celebrate the mountains we've conquered. We always are celebrating the steps along the way of the constant achievements of all the children, because though many are quite simple-- all are magnificent no matter how minute they may be. Similar to single brush-strokes in an artists painting, these victories are unique & majestic when you step back to let it all soak in.

The past month and a half has been more tumultuous than the norm. With gains realized through the children's chelation, comes even greater challenges of their fragile over-tasked immune systems. With healing, comes sickness; irony at it's best. Bella's been so susceptible to viruses & we are in full support mode health-wise for a few months now. Her Hashimoto's has progressed into her eye system, just as her father's. There have been some scary moments, yet amazingly- she is communicating more intentionally & independently after recovering from the last big spell which took us to the ER. She spoke of her teacher, her aide & school Speech Pathologist (by name) at home, the first time ever this past week. I love seeing her spirit shine through the fingers of Autism. It makes me want to fight harder to peel away the grip. More than anything, so she knows, I know *she's inside* there all along & we'll never give up on helping her find her way. Don't get me wrong, the Autism is a part of her now & I accept that; what I cannot accept is doing nothing when we are finding interventions lessening it's affect. I guess I'm not much for standby mode. Bella (L) & Beautiful friend (R)
Roo was knocked down again by another lung virus & a strep flare is suspect. I found myself counting her respirations while snuggled into my lap. She has a fiercely intense personality, yet her petite little frame is so fragile at this point. It's only been a month since our last ER visit & she crashed again this weekend. Her Irish complexion is mottled with the extra load on her lungs. Her beautiful baby blues are framed in the all too familiar dark circles giving indication of inflammation and decreased O2 sats. She began a fever on Sunday, but burnt it out within a day. Eucalyptus oil in a humidifier, astragulus, oscillium, probiotics, vit C/D/B12 & epsom salt baths. Her cough was croupy Fri night & Saturday. Today it's still the asthma bark. Thankfully, we saw Dr. G. today & will detox this weekend.
S-bear continues to break through, although his emotional balance and compulsive behavior is out of whack right now. It's almost like the sprint of developments which are occurring are overloading his heart-- he gets mad & sad easily. He vocalizes it poignantly-- but I'm glad, because it was only a handful of months ago that he was not able. He told me, "Mommy, I scared." the first time ever yesterday. I asked him "why?" & he said, "the sounds are too loud" (meaning the television). It's sad that the common noises are overpowering to him, but AWESOME that he is able to tell me what he is feeling & then be comforted.
SJ is keeping up with the other girls in keeping me on my toes. Last week's hospitalization following a series of seizures put me in check to not take anything for granted. When I'm put into those moments knowing how fragile this life is with one of these precious babies, I realize even more how far we've all come. We're nearing Bella & the twins' birthdays which bring back a flurry of concerning days in NICU. Hard to believe our Bella had a completely reconstructed heart now almost 7 years ago.
I'd like to say that I don't take anything for granted, yet I know I settle in to the all moving forward pattern all to easily & it's nearly scary to look back for each child & know that *back there* is always a possibility again. Regression-- the abominable & the hard to swallow factor that describes my kids' Autism. We've seen several chapters of regression amongst the four of them, some more profound than others. Thankfully we're balanced with progression now too, yet it's not a seamless transition, but more a dance full of unexpected (good & bad alike).

Strep, yeast, mercury/metals & systemic infections all making their bodies work so very hard. Today brought us physical evidence of damage done by their MMR vax. It has taken them 11 months of chelation to get down through the layers of the toxic spill that sent our twins into their first regression and onset of Autism. Their last vaccinations totalled 7 each simultaneously; Sbear evaporated within 2 weeks & Roo's was a steady decline. They are the warriors, not me. I fumble forward & follow their lead, praying for Him to show us how.

Being on this tumultous journey certainly gives the mind eternal food to analyze, assess & reflect; my mind has become skilled at triage of the profound needs tucked underneath our roof. It's when I pause or take the time to "let God" that I see my expectations. I see that all my doings are done for good, but most often not without expectations. Just over a year ago I met a kindred soul who taught me that when I put my expectations on others & myself-- all will fall short. When I put my expectations to God, I am no longer dismayed by any deficit. This is a really challenging mindset to keep, yet when I'm tuned into the bigger deal-- the great expectations I had previously become exponentially larger gifts in multifaceted dimensions beyond comprehension.

In closing will leave you with this post of an astounding woman realizing the challenge I speak to above. I love you, Meredith-- you are beyond amazing! http://cornishadoptionjourney.blogspot.com/2010/11/i-have-so-many-thoughts-id-like-to.html

No comments:

Post a Comment