A day after ER update & reflection

So yesterday's fiasco of ER visit & my own emotional meltdown did not go without higher learning. I got her home in one piece without a tear, helped her to bed & tried to comfort her without success, she was enveloped in a drugged state that was taking her sensory dysfunction to a whole different level. By God's grace, she literally fell asleep in the time it took me to go up a flight of stairs, get her the pain reliever I was worried about dripping into her. Afterward, I found myself counting her respirations, listening to her restricted airway & praying for strength until the tears came. I left her room & exhaled a tide of tears & realized I had been trying to do it all on my own. E. was home wrecked with the stomach flu & Auntie Paris was kind enough to see all the others to bed that evening, so I assumed I was in charge (yet I wasn't alone). I was so distraught over Bella's stress & my perspective of her suffering, it found me under a blanket of emotion desiring only to alleviate her pain.

The irony is that by trying to do own my own & logic through the crisis, as the skilled nurse, I lost sight that I'm never alone, nor is she. I've become to accustomed to being the protector, advocate & Momma Bear (for Bella, her 3 siblings, their father & many that enter my life) that I often don't remember to "let go & Let God" in the crisis. My logic & performance under pressure is a gift, yet sometimes at a higher cost to my endurance. I'm learning & humbled.

Bella awoke very late today, after my multiple checks, yet when she did climb the stairs to the family room her sleepy face imparted a soft smile & her brilliant blue eyes blinked through the wisps of sleepy hair covering her sweet face. She had climbed the entire 14 stairs upright, albeit her right leg still dislocated. I knelt down to tell her good morning & she reached for me & snuggled into the best Bella hug a Momma could get. As I hugged her & rubbed her back, there were two loud popping sounds & when I looked-- to my surprise her hip had reset itself as we embraced. Her leg remained intact the entire day. Praise God, I hear You Lord.

It Ain't All Beautiful, Yet SHE IS

After all day with her hip dislocated & many failed attempts to reset it, Bella & I went to ER. I held off so long, b/c I was more afraid of the pain shewould endure in the ER (physical, mental, sensory overload), then the discomfort she's dealt with all day. Something about laying over your distressed child pulling at IV tubing, bp cuff, O2 mask, pulse Ox, etc trying to protect her that puts the gift of life & health in perspective quickly.

I'm done for today-- so stick a fork in me. The tears are flowing, b/c I'm so tired, frustrated & exhausted (for her & me). They hard cast her ankle to thigh thinking that if they immobilize the knee, her femur wouldn't be able to roll our of socket. She endured an IV, 7 blasts of x-ray radiation, multiple dosing of hallucination inducing sedative, a million hands grabbing at her & holding her down over the course of 5 hours. The end result, she's "ALL DONE" in case you haven't heard her scream it at you over the final hour & then-- her hip dislocated after 10 minutes in the hard-cast.

So ortho doc says in a NEWSFLASH tone- "she's gonna need surgery". "She's fine for now, so long as blood flow doesn't deteriorate, but she'll have arthritic hips, a need for total replacement & we don't have a lot of options for a child her age right now-- including surgery." I'm thinking to myself as I peel her hysterical 50 lb. body of thrashing muscle & one weak hip off the ER floor-- "I hope that wasn't the good news."

How the Hell can medicine offer her complete heart reconstruction of her 10 week old heart (7 years ago), which was the size of a peach pit, but not have any options for her hip/leg/mobility?!

It's midnight... she just went to sleep after absolute thrashing fit the last time-- I HATE anesthesia!! So, I'm praying she didn't pick up anything worse at ER than she went in with & that the mega supplement cocktail she took in b/t screams, will alleviate the ER drug load on her kidneys, liver, etc. We'll deal with radiation in the morning. I don't for the life of me understand why she must endure all this... why her little body must suffer so much. Have I said I'm done today? It's official.... stick a fork in me.