SJ is coming back around

SJ has been being treated for both bacterial & parasitic infections of intestines. Yes, lovely I know. But, truly most people have parasites b/c of our food processes, family pets & just nature. At least this one isn't the spreadable kind of creepy kritter. Anyhow, keys to avoiding parasites, in case you're interested is: healthy gut flora (good probiotic), keep sugars to minimum (sugar is an immune system suppressant & the more artificial it is or modified (HFCS) the less your body is able to process), assure healthy bowel patterns (if you tend to be constipated, that's the perfect environment for yeast & parasites-- our whole family takes digestive enzymes thanks to our low pancreas function & metals toxicity)

Anyhow, she's just finished her *Shazam!* treatment-- doc pulled out big guns on this one. WOW, she is talking a ton & really really active again. Her speech pathologist looked at me yesterday & said-- "yup, she's back in the game." She was chasing me with a snake this morning making the hissing sound.

It's amazing how sensitive these kiddos are. SJ had a fairly large regression from about March until end of April. She's been recovering in degrees over the month of May, with a doozey of a flu bug in there, too. She had me pretty scared, b/c she was so sickly she'd just lay around & was so unresponsive, especially in eye contact, but lack of cuddling, too. I was starting to get worried because there is a huge predisposition to developing Leukemia in kids with ASD; which I learned from a researcher who also has a child with DS & ASD. With so many systems & issues hindering their immune systems & subsequent improper immune responses, the body begins an ugly cyle of attack on itself. Anyhow, I'll save the autoimmune schpeel for another post; I need more coffee & time for that.

So glad to see my girl coming back again. Speaking of the little darlin'... check out our little beauty's unique eyes... two colors. Like Daddy's brown eyes started & Momma's genes said, "heck no!" =>

I LOVE YOU BABY GIRL!

The Eyes are the window to the soul

This one beautiful soul.
She truly does have *STARS* in her eyes.

This pic doesn't even come close
to show how magnificent her eyes are--

when light catches her irises, they are
like a luminiscent blue galaxy.

ANGEL EYES, courtesy of our Bella

Happy Farm Girl

Happiness is being a FARM GIRL.
Roo was cracking me up, she likes to wear pink, asks to polish her nails, but can ride the John Deere in 2nd gear like a mini Indy racer. She told her twin brother that THIS tractor was only for Farm GIRLS.

Mom, I'm mad

I have really been fighting a bad funk lately-- you know they cyclic garbage that we all drag around with us. Most days I'm a champion or one heck of a stubborn Irish blooded Momma not willing to let things go into the regular trainwrecks or get boring (depends on which viewpoint looking from). I know all of us being really sick for the past two weeks has not aided in my non-funkafication either. I think sometimes as parents we become to clearly skilled at submerged living as a coping mechanism, when the sub surfaces to reality with all *feelings* waiting there for you, well-- the coping mechanism clearly isn't as clean & tidy as it appeared.

S-bear has recently acquired a major skill in telling me how he's feeling. He's said, "I'm so happy." the first time about 3 months ago. The look on his face & twinkle in his soft brown eyes & his accompanying bounding boy footsteps melted me from the inside out. The last couple weeks, when he's become upset & crying, he's said "Mom, I'm mad!" It's heartbreaking, because he is about the gentlest spirit in a person I've ever known. I'll tell him, "it's ok buddy... everybody gets mad sometimes." And, yes we're working through the pushing, hitting & defensive behavior that's not acceptable with anger either.

A couple days ago he got mad because I wouldn't let him go out into the rain to get his sand-impacted tractor to play with inside. He pitched a royal fit, went outside despite my verbal countdown warnings & came back in by my guiding hand, madder than a wet cat. Cake topper was that I sat him in the timeout chair & said, "when Momma says 'no' you must listen". This has been an important lesson to drill lately because of his determination to go outside alone & unintended. He is so softhearted, he just wailed & buried his head in his hands crying. "Moooommmmmmyyyyy, I'm MAD!," he'd blubber through a drippy nose & tears. Me: "I know you're mad, but you WILL listen. Momma said NO." Then he cried louder-- Daaaaaaaaaaadddddyy!" Now that's awesome, because he knew I wasn't giving in & sought out the next best comfort person. Again, another first expression-- beautiful & REAL.

Poor baby... he's killing me, thank God I have the stubborn gene courtesy of my father or I would cave. 5 minutes passed & he was quiet. I checked on him in the laundry room (the next room over) & said "You can come out now if you are ready to listen." He gave me his rooster non-approval crow & jetted into the family room. It wasn't 5 minutes later he came up to me & grabbed around my legs saying "Mommy, hug?" I picked him up, & gave him a big love squish & he said, "ok, feel better". Priceless.

Anyhow, upon reflecting on this scene today, it occured to me how significant it is that we truly FEEL our feelings & not just push them aside always. Not that we have to run around like emotional pirates, but we all need to find a place to give ourselves the respect to acknowledge how it is that we're feeling. Everyone must have a safe place to do this & I think it involves more than just acknowledging emotion, yet never letting it cross your lips or write it out. I'm reminded that this is equally important communication to our Lord. We know HE is all knowing & loves us unconditionally, but we seem to miss out that He designed us to NEED HIM. He wants to know what's on our hearts-- directly from us. Yet as mortals in this fallen garden, we seek independence from all, even our Maker. As a parent seeing S-bear so angry is hard (just as I know it is for God seeing His children suffer), yet it's relevant to our World & as parents we must nuture our children's learning even through the hard stuff.  Autism has left S-bear innocent to the societal stigma attached to bearing one's emotions. Hmmm, epiphany. Who can truly say these children were not sent to teach all?

On a sidenote-- DAMN I'M MAD!

E-Holai Sheesh Batman!

I'm astounded at the astronomical amounts of our medical/bills related to Autism alone. Upon tasking myself with putting together in a spreadsheet all these regular recurring costs for *medical treatment* the results are  ALARMING! For just vitamins, supplements & supportive monthly medical visits we are at 10% of my husband's gross income. This number does not include: acute illness costs (meds & copays), therapy, advocates/lawyers (to obtain appropriate school services), the insane amounts of money for items free of: food coloring, preservatives, pesticides, corn, wheat/gluten, dairy/casein/lactate, artificial sugars, artificial flavorings, perfumes, dyes... I mean really-- I wanted to punch out the clerk when she said, "What a bargain!" in reference to the 4 - EVERRYTHING free blueberry muffins I bought in a time crunch that were $9. Thank goodness our government acknowledges the financial hardship of raising children whom are medically fragile & disabled, by tax deductible considerations-- or wait that was my imagination.

You know how pissy I get that I must buy specially compounded acetaminophen that is free of dyes, fructose, etc? For entertainment, come shopping with me-- it's a hoot!

Just yesterday, I put sunscreen on all the kids & my micro-sensitive blondey (Roo) looked like she was in a street fight, within an hour. Poor baby had puffed red raccoon eyes, & streaks of raised red rash.  Our *safe-brand* sunscreen must have had an ingredient change. I had to resort to dye-free benedryl as the lesser of two evils. She said to me, "Mommy- my face does hurt. Yup, I want to scratch it." OMG. Seriously!?

I'm done now... the hormone surge is over. As Clarke Griswold once said, ".... Holy $hit-- where's the Tylenol (dye free & non-recalled of course)".

Recovering... the boy within

Even though I am sick now with the flu the kids had last week, I cannot help but be a bit giddy. Amongst all this sickness is healing & miracles.


Autism, an UGLY & uninvited houseguest, whom first arrived 3 years ago now as it took away my then baby boy after his vaccinations. It was abrupt & an unkind descend into a private Hell no parent wants to visit. Within 2 weeks, S-bear lost all eye contact, stopped talking, stopped responding to language & withdrew into his own inner world.


His eldest sister was showing *signs*, but not catastrophic like S-bear's regression. Bella's biggest regression had yet to take her down & would ensue only half a year later. S-bear on the other hand was a shell of the toddler he had been in such a quick timeframe. I remember those days with a sick feeling in my stomach, because of the amount of pain it caused. I have never seen my husband so devastated & left wrecked & hopeless with grief; he told me he didn't know if S-bear would ever know how much he loved him & it was killing him.


Though S-bear is extremely smart & minimally verbal (since about 3 years of age)-- he has always been somewhat in another realm since that first regression. His audio processing has always been really lacking & he is a visual reader of situations in response, rather than by hearing to & processing language. He's made gentle progress, as we've have sifted through the quicksand of symptoms Autism gives us, but I have to say WOW-- now we're getting somewhere. Since treating a chronic yeast infection of his gut, his speech has skyrocketed. I challenge the docs who think there is no gut-brain connection with this example or even friggin alcohol for crying out loud!


I have to write this stuff down, so I can clearly remember as each child is always evolving & my brain is saturated. My prayer is that I'll write this, to one day rediscover what S-bear used to be like, having forgotten how lost he once was.


Autism is layers & we are slowly peeling back pieces here & there, careful not to go too fast, because that can cause damage too. S-bear has been shedding some significant layers in the past two months. He is speaking so well, in near full sentences & addressing me by name with social intent, seeking out his partner in crime (his twin), & swiftly telling us how is feeling ("I'm mad". is the latest.) He told me this morning, "Mom, how about a field trip? swimming?" I said, "Not today honey; you've got school today. Maybe next week you can go on a field trip." He was quiet for a couple seconds, then retorted "School to see Jessica (Ms. Jessica is his teacher)." I about flipped.

Again, some will read this & say big wow-- what's the big deal? It's perspective from where this child has come from. Imagine your child is deaf & cannot lipread, now you try to give verbal directions to him/her as they remain unaffected & non-responsive-- that's where S-bear has come from. That's why I'm so excited & amazed. Not only that, but the things he is expressing now verbally is correct-- he's referring to himself as I/my rather than his name in third person. It's all in there inside his head-- he's been soaking it up & we are finally seeing who he is inside.

This is called recovery. I'm grateful & will keep working to achieve degrees of recovery for each child. People that believe it's not possible are disillusioned. Autism is much like brain injury-- recovery is possible & individual for each patient, there's just no gaurantees & it takes a lot of work. Whenever I feel so saturated & spent, I envision the rays of sunshine inside each of my children trying to shine to the outside. I will never give up at trying to reach that light and their potential, & knowing who they are, b/c no matter how exhausted I am, they are moreso... no matter how stressed I am, so are they... recovering my babies is what I am to do now.

Even if they regress again, I will savor these victories if only in moments, hours or days & will try again. If it were your child what would you do?

A new medical experience