Happy Mother's Day!

Adaptation of Martina McBride's "In my Daughter's Eyes" 
 
In my child's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
S/he was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my child's eyes

In my child's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my child's eyes

And when s/he wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about






It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my child's eyes



In my child's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though s/he'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
s/he made me



 
For I'll be there
In my child's eyes

Easter Blessings

In the light of what this incredible day means, I find myself reflecting.

8 years ago today, we spent the day with our extended family in Chicago-- my brother & sister –in-law hosted. It was a beautiful spring Easter day, just as today. I remember we took pictures out front & the Earth had given us all the promises of Spring I see today… the sun shining, green grass, the soft scents of new life were in the air, flowers blooming, birds singing. God’s blessings were abundant as we gathered with our Schoonveld clan.  Three little Schoonveld’s had already blessed our family—Nolan, Erika & Charlie. Baby Sophie peacefully snug in Momma Sara’s tummy would bless us in a few months later that summer.

E and I had been prayerfully hoping we’d be blessed with a little Schoonveld ourselves to nurture, love & raise at this time of our union. Only a month prior, we had felt loss of a pregnancy that was not meant to be. It was very difficult to endure the loss that resulted in all the hope & dreams we had for the child/children we dreamed of at that time. I cannot help but think of what our Lord felt, as He gave us the gift of His only son through Jesus’ suffering & death. And, how the Lord saw our loss after the *fall* in the garden, before Jesus’ sacrifice to redeem us. Through Christ, our Lord gave us salvation. Through the challenges & loss, God’s promises reign. 

This makes me consider the challenge & loss we feel in this world. How through the obstacles of this fallen world, we have the ability to see God’s promises & love if only we give our hearts to HIM. When E & I had experienced the loss of promise we felt in our babies’ pregnancy—it was so hard to know why & be faithful that God’s plan was truly with us. When we backed away from the loss a short time after, we felt hope again though not intentionally (I know now because God’s light was on us). We never ever expected to be given the gift of life the very next month in our Bella’s pregnancy. We were astounded and so joyful at such a beautiful surprise of new life, God had blessed us with. We learned of our gift that Easter day, eight years ago this Easter. Amazing! Bella’s due date was Christmas of 2003 and yet she saw fit to find her way to us the day before Thanksgiving. There are just so many messages that are so clear, as I think about all this consciously today. I am truly humbled & just so grateful, God believed in us to gift us with our princess.

Today, as I watch the 3 eldest kids all discover their Easter baskets with true awareness & intent, enjoying the whole process for the first time—I am astonished & grateful. They are 7/5/5 years old & it was worth the wait. I know in God’s time, our littlest will find the awareness we see peeking through each day, like sunlight’s beams penetrating the exterior of Autism that is part of this extraordinary little love bug. These 4 little angels (and yes, with some devilish moments) are so incredibly amazing, in all they have done, overcome, all because God’s love is within their innocent & pure hearts. As I fumble forward, they triumph with grace, just as it was planned. When we hit a roadblock & I am discouraged, resolve to complaint, anxiety & lose my grace—they persevere. Whether heart surgery, failure to thrive, preterm births, enormous medical challenges, loss in skills, body cast, seizures, hours of endless therapy, extended schooling & all the things that are their normal—they just accept & go beyond. I see God’s love & promises in my children, my 4 beautiful children, just as they are—just as He intended them to be here in this now.

Thank you Lord, for the blessings which are too abundant for my comprehension. For the gifts of your promises we feel, see & miss each day. For the infinite beauty you craft into this world amongst the chaos. For always providing, even when we are too broken to recognize it. For eternal hope & life you’ve given us first through our birth & the life everlasting, through Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. 

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”  – John 3:16

A day after ER update & reflection

So yesterday's fiasco of ER visit & my own emotional meltdown did not go without higher learning. I got her home in one piece without a tear, helped her to bed & tried to comfort her without success, she was enveloped in a drugged state that was taking her sensory dysfunction to a whole different level. By God's grace, she literally fell asleep in the time it took me to go up a flight of stairs, get her the pain reliever I was worried about dripping into her. Afterward, I found myself counting her respirations, listening to her restricted airway & praying for strength until the tears came. I left her room & exhaled a tide of tears & realized I had been trying to do it all on my own. E. was home wrecked with the stomach flu & Auntie Paris was kind enough to see all the others to bed that evening, so I assumed I was in charge (yet I wasn't alone). I was so distraught over Bella's stress & my perspective of her suffering, it found me under a blanket of emotion desiring only to alleviate her pain.

The irony is that by trying to do own my own & logic through the crisis, as the skilled nurse, I lost sight that I'm never alone, nor is she. I've become to accustomed to being the protector, advocate & Momma Bear (for Bella, her 3 siblings, their father & many that enter my life) that I often don't remember to "let go & Let God" in the crisis. My logic & performance under pressure is a gift, yet sometimes at a higher cost to my endurance. I'm learning & humbled.

Bella awoke very late today, after my multiple checks, yet when she did climb the stairs to the family room her sleepy face imparted a soft smile & her brilliant blue eyes blinked through the wisps of sleepy hair covering her sweet face. She had climbed the entire 14 stairs upright, albeit her right leg still dislocated. I knelt down to tell her good morning & she reached for me & snuggled into the best Bella hug a Momma could get. As I hugged her & rubbed her back, there were two loud popping sounds & when I looked-- to my surprise her hip had reset itself as we embraced. Her leg remained intact the entire day. Praise God, I hear You Lord.

It Ain't All Beautiful, Yet SHE IS

After all day with her hip dislocated & many failed attempts to reset it, Bella & I went to ER. I held off so long, b/c I was more afraid of the pain shewould endure in the ER (physical, mental, sensory overload), then the discomfort she's dealt with all day. Something about laying over your distressed child pulling at IV tubing, bp cuff, O2 mask, pulse Ox, etc trying to protect her that puts the gift of life & health in perspective quickly.

I'm done for today-- so stick a fork in me. The tears are flowing, b/c I'm so tired, frustrated & exhausted (for her & me). They hard cast her ankle to thigh thinking that if they immobilize the knee, her femur wouldn't be able to roll our of socket. She endured an IV, 7 blasts of x-ray radiation, multiple dosing of hallucination inducing sedative, a million hands grabbing at her & holding her down over the course of 5 hours. The end result, she's "ALL DONE" in case you haven't heard her scream it at you over the final hour & then-- her hip dislocated after 10 minutes in the hard-cast.

So ortho doc says in a NEWSFLASH tone- "she's gonna need surgery". "She's fine for now, so long as blood flow doesn't deteriorate, but she'll have arthritic hips, a need for total replacement & we don't have a lot of options for a child her age right now-- including surgery." I'm thinking to myself as I peel her hysterical 50 lb. body of thrashing muscle & one weak hip off the ER floor-- "I hope that wasn't the good news."

How the Hell can medicine offer her complete heart reconstruction of her 10 week old heart (7 years ago), which was the size of a peach pit, but not have any options for her hip/leg/mobility?!

It's midnight... she just went to sleep after absolute thrashing fit the last time-- I HATE anesthesia!! So, I'm praying she didn't pick up anything worse at ER than she went in with & that the mega supplement cocktail she took in b/t screams, will alleviate the ER drug load on her kidneys, liver, etc. We'll deal with radiation in the morning. I don't for the life of me understand why she must endure all this... why her little body must suffer so much. Have I said I'm done today? It's official.... stick a fork in me.

The Rising Sun -- Hope Realized through SonRise (R)

With only a couple weeks before Christmas, I am newly home and renewed in ways I never imagined. E & I just returned from our Start-up Program at the Autism Treatment of America Center-- home to the SonRise (R) program. We spent a week there doing intensive training to focus our efforts on this therapy modality we had mentally & physically committed to prior to our departure. What we didn't know is that our year's motto, "2010 Born Again" would come to fruition, during our 7 days there.

This summer is the 3rd time the notion of SonRise (R) had entered our consciousness. I was ready & able to widen my vision to just let go & find out how to get started. At the center of this intention, was our youngest child, then 2.5 years old-- SJ. She has made great progress medically, yet she has been consistently inconsistent in skill acquisition & retention, despite a lot of focused therapy work. Feeling a sense of floundering, I tried to get her into ABA therapy-- "the evidenced based" therapy intervention for autistic individuals. We were placed on a 3-6 month wait-list. In the meantime, a close friend & SJ's developmental therapist agreed to work through ABA with us. We spent several weeks & both were left feeling this method will not engage SJ. She withdrew further into her world. It was then our therapist brought up the thought of SonRise(R). I researched, read, watched video clips & began seeking out others using this program.

We began informally to implement the principles & saw moments of miraculous connection. I was sold. Our therapist found a volunteer & even did a training for us. We started out 6 hours a week, one on one with SJ-- it was AWESOME! She responded more than I knew possible in that very short time & truly is a different kid in her focus room, in which the program is centered around.

SJ started preschool in September & by October I felt we'd really balanced out again to restart. In talking with a couple parents using the program, I began to know I needed to go & experience the formal training. I thought we could do this on our own, but something in my heart knew through our attendance at the training, we'd be realigned in a way beyond our comprehension.

We scrambled to make arrangements & asked for help from our parents to help us with the children, ages 7/5/5/3 (all with Autism), so that we could attend the training together. We had about 3 weeks to scrape together finances, plan & sort out the details to make this happen. It was a lot of stress just getting there with planning, wild winter weather & a feeling of burden that we towed with us to the hilly terrain of Sheffield, Massachusetts.We had no idea what we would leave there with.

Through our experience there, we came to recognize we'd been so focused on recovery for our kids and the tireless efforts that it takes in caring for them, we hadn't paid attention to the coating of emotion & judgment which had encapsulated our hearts. As a couple & partners, we faced for the first time all the raw & unexamined parts of our internal beliefs that have been driving us on our journey in a new non-judgmental light. It has been a freeing process & we were able to soak up so much more in our training on how to reach each of our children right where they are, simply by celebrating & embracing them whole-- autism & all.

2010 Born Again!

Now we are gearing up individual programs for each of them simply based on the goal of connecting with them, being with them & knowing the bridge between our worlds will be reinforced by a love that is pure, without conditions. Never have I been so excited in looking ahead to all the hours, effort & energy I know we will put into helping ourselves help our babies. What a beautiful gift we will give ourselves to truly experience Bella, Roo, S-bear & SJ for every ounce of whom they are right now & each moment forward. 

For the first time EVER in 7 years, I know with absolute certainty not only is God present, but He will provide EVERYONE & EVERYTHING we need to live 100% fulfilled lives with our kids-- by only our belief, faith & trust in them leading the way. I'll no longer leave my emotions in Autism's charge; this realization & new belief is more fueling than anything. Now with the old mindset cast off, we know we WILL: find 20+ volunteers to give their time in helping us reach our children, fund-raise for our own family & others as well so they can do the same for themselves through SonRise (R), experience absolute joy & selflessness by embracing the kids individually, & truly learn so much about the capabilities we each have individually & as a family.

It is a very Merry Christmas & even a better New Year! 

Love & light. - Momma T.

Great Expectations

Here we are in November already. Time is a constant whir. Sometimes when there is a pause I have to remember to celebrate the mountains we've conquered. We always are celebrating the steps along the way of the constant achievements of all the children, because though many are quite simple-- all are magnificent no matter how minute they may be. Similar to single brush-strokes in an artists painting, these victories are unique & majestic when you step back to let it all soak in.

The past month and a half has been more tumultuous than the norm. With gains realized through the children's chelation, comes even greater challenges of their fragile over-tasked immune systems. With healing, comes sickness; irony at it's best. Bella's been so susceptible to viruses & we are in full support mode health-wise for a few months now. Her Hashimoto's has progressed into her eye system, just as her father's. There have been some scary moments, yet amazingly- she is communicating more intentionally & independently after recovering from the last big spell which took us to the ER. She spoke of her teacher, her aide & school Speech Pathologist (by name) at home, the first time ever this past week. I love seeing her spirit shine through the fingers of Autism. It makes me want to fight harder to peel away the grip. More than anything, so she knows, I know *she's inside* there all along & we'll never give up on helping her find her way. Don't get me wrong, the Autism is a part of her now & I accept that; what I cannot accept is doing nothing when we are finding interventions lessening it's affect. I guess I'm not much for standby mode. Bella (L) & Beautiful friend (R)

Roo was knocked down again by another lung virus & a strep flare is suspect. I found myself counting her respirations while snuggled into my lap. She has a fiercely intense personality, yet her petite little frame is so fragile at this point. It's only been a month since our last ER visit & she crashed again this weekend. Her Irish complexion is mottled with the extra load on her lungs. Her beautiful baby blues are framed in the all too familiar dark circles giving indication of inflammation and decreased O2 sats. She began a fever on Sunday, but burnt it out within a day. Eucalyptus oil in a humidifier, astragulus, oscillium, probiotics, vit C/D/B12 & epsom salt baths. Her cough was croupy Fri night & Saturday. Today it's still the asthma bark. Thankfully, we saw Dr. G. today & will detox this weekend.

S-bear continues to break through, although his emotional balance and compulsive behavior is out of whack right now. It's almost like the sprint of developments which are occurring are overloading his heart-- he gets mad & sad easily. He vocalizes it poignantly-- but I'm glad, because it was only a handful of months ago that he was not able. He told me, "Mommy, I scared." the first time ever yesterday. I asked him "why?" & he said, "the sounds are too loud" (meaning the television). It's sad that the common noises are overpowering to him, but AWESOME that he is able to tell me what he is feeling & then be comforted.

SJ is keeping up with the other girls in keeping me on my toes. Last week's hospitalization following a series of seizures put me in check to not take anything for granted. When I'm put into those moments knowing how fragile this life is with one of these precious babies, I realize even more how far we've all come. We're nearing Bella & the twins' birthdays which bring back a flurry of concerning days in NICU. Hard to believe our Bella had a completely reconstructed heart now almost 7 years ago.

I'd like to say that I don't take anything for granted, yet I know I settle in to the all moving forward pattern all to easily & it's nearly scary to look back for each child & know that *back there* is always a possibility again. Regression-- the abominable & the hard to swallow factor that describes my kids' Autism. We've seen several chapters of regression amongst the four of them, some more profound than others. Thankfully we're balanced with progression now too, yet it's not a seamless transition, but more a dance full of unexpected (good & bad alike).

Strep, yeast, mercury/metals & systemic infections all making their bodies work so very hard. Today brought us physical evidence of damage done by their MMR vax. It has taken them 11 months of chelation to get down through the layers of the toxic spill that sent our twins into their first regression and onset of Autism. Their last vaccinations totalled 7 each simultaneously; Sbear evaporated within 2 weeks & Roo's was a steady decline. They are the warriors, not me. I fumble forward & follow their lead, praying for Him to show us how.

Being on this tumultous journey certainly gives the mind eternal food to analyze, assess & reflect; my mind has become skilled at triage of the profound needs tucked underneath our roof. It's when I pause or take the time to "let God" that I see my expectations. I see that all my doings are done for good, but most often not without expectations. Just over a year ago I met a kindred soul who taught me that when I put my expectations on others & myself-- all will fall short. When I put my expectations to God, I am no longer dismayed by any deficit. This is a really challenging mindset to keep, yet when I'm tuned into the bigger deal-- the great expectations I had previously become exponentially larger gifts in multifaceted dimensions beyond comprehension.

In closing will leave you with this post of an astounding woman realizing the challenge I speak to above. I love you, Meredith-- you are beyond amazing! http://cornishadoptionjourney.blogspot.com/2010/11/i-have-so-many-thoughts-id-like-to.html

Gold Rush Girls Party - Cornish family Adoption Fundraiser

Dear Neighbors, Friends & Family:

I am a Mom to 4 young children, all with special needs. I am planning this home gold party to donate anything I will earn as a hostess toward the remarkable Cornish family's adoption process. http://cornishadoptionjourney.blogspot.com/

 

I know we all have a lot going on, yet this would require very little effort from us individually, just selling your old/unused gold & being paid for it! I do not expect anyone to donate their earnings (who cannot use extra cash?!)-- I just want to donate mine as a hostess, to use this as a fundraising platform for a beautiful family in Florida.  A portion of all sales will go directly to their adoption mission, plus anything I earn as a hostess. My dear friend Nancy (our party facilitator) also has a child with DS & we both know the Cornish family well. By hosting this party as a fundraiser, I can donate my hostess proceeds towards the $17,000/child needed for this special family to bring home a very special little boy & girl with special needs, in orphanages in overseas. 

You can read more about why helping these children find adoptive families is so vital in these overseas orphanages at http://www.reecesrainbow.com/newsite/atriskwaiting.html . Children after ages of 2 are routinely placed in mental institutions with little to no health care. They face a staggering mortality rates. I do not have the source, but from administration of Reece’s Rainbow – “Within one year of institutionalization most children pass away. If they survive the first year, then the lifespan is about 10 years.”

I came to know this incredible Momma when her little Brianna (DS) was born (same age as my twins). We belong to the same Down syndrome support group. When they originally traveled to bring Aleksa home almost 3 yrs ago, I had thoughts off adopting a baby with DS from Europe, too. But, God had other plans for us & sent us SJo, then our children each began regression into Autism. This is part of why the Cornish family is so deeply embedded into my heart. This family's strength gives me strength; their faith gives me faith.
God is working miracles through this family, much more than I can outline in this small space. Please visit their blog to see their journey firsthand. http://cornishadoptionjourney.blogspot.com/

HOW YOU CAN HELP…

All you have to do is show up with any gold you are willing to sell & be paid for OR send it to me (labeled with your name & number). There are no products to buy or any outlay of cash of any kind. Instead, you get paid cash for the gold you sell. Or, you don't even have to show up, just drop off what you may want to sell & the facilitator will call you that evening to make you an offer. At minimum, it would be friends getting together for an 1-2 hours with good company & food! The more people that come or participate, the more we can raise to support the Cornish adoptions! Invite friends, family members, neighbors!

WHAT:       Gold Rush Girls Party - Cornish family Adoption Fundraiser

WHEN:      Thursday, October 21st 2010 @ 7:30PM (DATE CHANGED)

WHERE:     Detour Autism's home (will send address with your RSVP)

RSVP:        to Momma T. by 10/19 @ detour.autism@live.com

What to bring: * All unwanted gold & platinum jewelry *Broken chains *Old wedding rings *Single earrings * Pieces with missing stones (we will do our best to remove stones if needed) * Bracelets * Dental gold *If you have a question, just bring it!

The Cornish family’s Angels in WAITING!

They have approximately 3 weeks to make their goals for funding.

Top left/right & bottom right : Their angel, Aleksa, when they first met in 2008… they fell in love & had to say goodbye when the orphanage director changed his mind on letting her be adopted. Now she is available for adoption at 8 & will be placed in a mental institution if not. Mike & Meredith have never let go of the love they have for this amazing little girl, who started their adoption journey.

http://cornishadoptionjourney.blogspot.com/2008/04/sasha-aleksa.html

Caution: TISSUE ALERT for this video!

http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=4e14875442f059a0b30e7c&skin_id=701&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

Bottom left: Their angel, Monroe, whom they will be traveling for soon & hope to bring both he & sister Aleksa home together. Such a handsome little man.

http://www.reecesrainbow.org/sponsorcornish.html

If for any reason you do not want to participate in the Gold Party, yet you still want to help this family... go to http://www.reecesrainbow.org/sponsorcornish.html and donate directly. Prayers are graciously accepted, too!!!

Help us make a difference in the lives of these beautiful children 

& others like them.

  In His faith,

                                                            Momma T.

http://www.reecesrainbow.org/waitingchildgallery.html